Thursday, May 23, 2002
I am sitting here listening to Blu Cantrell sing about "Hittin em up style". What a fly bitch. Wish she was more than that "one hit wonder".
Rita is packing up to leave town tomorrow. Kelly is at the last class of her life. Oh man. What a week.
My mom just called me and told me something that totally slipped my mind. I am a self-absorbed asshole.
She runs this 3 mile (i think 3 mile...yikes) marathon every year through work. It is called "The Corporate Challenge". There are thousands of runners and it consists of members from the "corporate" world. Kelly knows ALL about this. Her father runs it too. She accompanied me one year.
So my mom called and told me that she ran this marathon in 43 minutes. I mean...thats amazing. Her first year doing it she ran the same distance in 48 minutes. This is like her 5th or 6th year doing this. And she has improved! Uh...WHAT? I am so unbelievably proud of her. Oh man...so proud! She even passed and left in the dust two 24 year olds from her office. ROCK! That's MY mother.
And the fact that she picked up the phone the minute she walked into the house and called me! She loves me!!! I know this, but it just feels so good. Especially with my mother.
I walk around every day with a pit in my stomach thinking that she is just going to randomly die. Don't ask me why...it is crazy. But after my grandmother died...I kind of never got over it and now I fear so desperately that my mother will die of lung cancer the way my gramma did. It's on my mind all the time. It's a problem, I know.
So knowing that my mother did so well on this run and that she called me while smoking a cigarette (ugh) just made me feel good. Cuz she feels healthy. And she is happy. And she breaks my heart cuz I just love her so much. That's why I am quitting smoking. For my mother. She will quit if I quit. And if not...then I definitely have the right to be like "Mom, enoughs enough."
I wish life were forever and I wish that I could spend every moment near my family. They are everything to me.
Always will be.
It always takes me like 30 minutes to get over a phone call from my mother. It just breaks me right out of my fantasy world and forces me to face reality. I think I spend most of my days running away from reality. That's why I don't call people, keep up friendships, get a second job, etc. It's just so hard for me. I want everything to be on a whatever basis. That is selfish and shit. But I don't know how to stay "happy" otherwise. Quite the dilemma.
Ugh. I feel so wrapped up in my head today. After last night, I still feel so fucking weird inside. I felt it all day. Just weird.
I feel like the "depression" that I deal with is quite physical. It's not just a sad thing. It's an anxious thing for me. I get so uptight in my body. It feels horrible. And that is how I feel right now. That is how I felt all day. I can still go on with my day, and I can still laugh and have fun. But it is such an intense feeling in the way that I could start crying at any point. And if I start I don't think I will stop.
Last night stripped me of the wall that I had built up. Now I feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable and made of glass.
I NEED this weekend to rebuild.
Build up that tougher skin and convince myself that I am strong enough to move forward.
Rita is packing up to leave town tomorrow. Kelly is at the last class of her life. Oh man. What a week.
My mom just called me and told me something that totally slipped my mind. I am a self-absorbed asshole.
She runs this 3 mile (i think 3 mile...yikes) marathon every year through work. It is called "The Corporate Challenge". There are thousands of runners and it consists of members from the "corporate" world. Kelly knows ALL about this. Her father runs it too. She accompanied me one year.
So my mom called and told me that she ran this marathon in 43 minutes. I mean...thats amazing. Her first year doing it she ran the same distance in 48 minutes. This is like her 5th or 6th year doing this. And she has improved! Uh...WHAT? I am so unbelievably proud of her. Oh man...so proud! She even passed and left in the dust two 24 year olds from her office. ROCK! That's MY mother.
And the fact that she picked up the phone the minute she walked into the house and called me! She loves me!!! I know this, but it just feels so good. Especially with my mother.
I walk around every day with a pit in my stomach thinking that she is just going to randomly die. Don't ask me why...it is crazy. But after my grandmother died...I kind of never got over it and now I fear so desperately that my mother will die of lung cancer the way my gramma did. It's on my mind all the time. It's a problem, I know.
So knowing that my mother did so well on this run and that she called me while smoking a cigarette (ugh) just made me feel good. Cuz she feels healthy. And she is happy. And she breaks my heart cuz I just love her so much. That's why I am quitting smoking. For my mother. She will quit if I quit. And if not...then I definitely have the right to be like "Mom, enoughs enough."
I wish life were forever and I wish that I could spend every moment near my family. They are everything to me.
Always will be.
It always takes me like 30 minutes to get over a phone call from my mother. It just breaks me right out of my fantasy world and forces me to face reality. I think I spend most of my days running away from reality. That's why I don't call people, keep up friendships, get a second job, etc. It's just so hard for me. I want everything to be on a whatever basis. That is selfish and shit. But I don't know how to stay "happy" otherwise. Quite the dilemma.
Ugh. I feel so wrapped up in my head today. After last night, I still feel so fucking weird inside. I felt it all day. Just weird.
I feel like the "depression" that I deal with is quite physical. It's not just a sad thing. It's an anxious thing for me. I get so uptight in my body. It feels horrible. And that is how I feel right now. That is how I felt all day. I can still go on with my day, and I can still laugh and have fun. But it is such an intense feeling in the way that I could start crying at any point. And if I start I don't think I will stop.
Last night stripped me of the wall that I had built up. Now I feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable and made of glass.
I NEED this weekend to rebuild.
Build up that tougher skin and convince myself that I am strong enough to move forward.
